Sunday, 8 February 2015

WASTWATER By Simon Stephens

He asked me if that was enough money and I said no. And he said, 'Well. There is a way, if you want, that I could help you make a bit more money.' I asked him how and he said, 'Well, I find you very attractive.' I was like, right, sonny Jim, where are we going with this one and he was like, 'Have you thought about doing any acting?' I said no, and he said, 'Well. I'd like to make a film with you, would you like that?' Well. I'm thinking, OK. I've never actually made a film before so that's quite exciting and I said, 'What kind of film is it?' And he looked at me. Like. He did a funny little cheeky grin and he said, 'It's a porno.' He asked me how I felt about that. I asked him what it would involve doing and he said, 'Well, what do you think?' And, you know me. You know what I'm like. So I decided to say OK. But I draw the line. There are some things I won't do. I said, 'I won't do anal and I won't do animals and I won't do children, is that OK?' And he said that yes, it was OK. And so we did, actually. You know? I really liked him and I still do. I still really like him. I don't see him anymore but if I saw him I wouldn’t have anything to say against him. I know that sounds a bit odd but I do think at heart he’s a good person. He was always very clean and he was always very concerned that I didn’t get, you know, properly hurt. We go to this hotel and it’s a hotel near Stansted Airport. In Essex. And there’s me and him and his friend Jason. And the thing about Jason is that they obviously cast him carefully because he is nice and he is handsome and I was sitting in this car on the way to the hotel thinking you know. I don’t mind, frankly. I don’t mind. With him. That’s OK. So we’re sat there. And his friend Michelle, who’s lovely. She’s a bit younger than I am. And a bit thick. But she’s nice. And he says, ‘So you have to pretend that you’ve come home and you’ve found Jason fucking Michelle and Michelle is your daughter and what happens is you really. You like it. Yes? And you decide to join in.’ Which is fine, isn’t it, because in real life Michelle isn’t actually my daughter, is she? We’re just, you know, pretending. And it’s a bit stupid because we have to cram the idea that this hotel room is my home into the story and it doesn’t completely work. But you know? I’d never had sex with a woman and that was. We got quite giggly. It did make me feel old. And Jason was very gentle and even though it got a bit blokey at times it was fine. It was clean. They paid me £500 every time I made a film. Which for me at the time was quite a lot of money. After a while you get a bit immune to it. You assimilate it, I think is the word.

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