Just Looking
By Kellie Powell
Angela is at the center of a complex love polygon, all set behind the scenes of a summer theatre program. Brian and Ryan are best friends who are both infatuated with Debbie, Debbie has cheated on Brian with Alex - who was briefly a love interest of Angela. Angela feels responsible for Brian's heartache because she is responsible for introducing him to Debbie - but perhaps there is more to it than that.
This monologue is from ACT II. Angela confides in Ryan that Debbie has cheated on Brian with Alex (who Angela has also had a bit of a fling with), and vents about her resulting anxiety.
ANGELA:
Things are so amazingly fucked-up right now! I mean, Debbie and Brian were not doing well... It's just, the logic escapes me. She feels like he doesn't trust her, like he's waiting for her to cheat - so she DOES. Instead of saying, "Brian, I don't feel like you trust me," she hooks up with Alex! What THE HELL is THAT? People are fucking INSANE! I...
The thing is, I feel inextricably linked to the whole mess, because I wanted them to be together, to work out, to stay together... And I end up sharing Alex The Walking Bag of Disease with her. I... She's the one who told me to have a fling, anyway! I guess she decided to take her own advice. She... She didn't know what I needed; she knew what she wanted.
I feel responsible for this. How else am I supposed to feel?
(Pause.) I need to stop feeling people's pain for them, trying to step between my friends and their scars.
Later in ACT II. Angela has just realized the real reason she's been crazy: Her infatuation with Brian.
ANGELA:
I have feelings for you. Not just, like, strange, uncontrollable physical attraction, although, I feel that... I have since we were in Oedipus together, since before I even broke up with Luke. And not just that bizarre combination of admiration and fascination that keeps you on my permanent good side no matter how drastically you cross the line or how much of a little whiny bitch you can sometimes be - although, obviously, I feel that. And not just that totally annoying and inescapable feeling that I want to take care of you, because I made you promise to treat her right, and I should've made her make that same promise, so you'd never have to feel the kind of pain I feel when I see her let you down - even though I feel that, too. It's all those things, and it's more, more than I can ever put into words.
Listen, don't say anything. Because you need to spend some time on your own, be alone for a while, and you're going to need time to let all that sink in.
I'm going to need time to let all that sink in.
But... if the time ever comes in your life, when you're ready... please consider me. I'll be here. I'll be waiting.
ACT III. Many months later, Angela is finally with Brian, but is very uncertain about their relationship.
ANGELA:
I used to have horrible insomnia. For years... And... I used to play all these games, you know, in my head, to try to relax and get to sleep... Like, I would count how long I could keep my eyes open. And then I would count how long I could keep them closed... And one night, after Luke and I broke up, I set my mind to trying to imagine the perfect guy. I did that for a really long time, until I had it down to microscopic detail, I knew exactly, precisely what I wanted. And then... Deb... she knew it before I did. She made me realize... it was you.
I stayed with my first boyfriend too long, because I was terrified of being alone again, and because I didn't know that I deserved better. And then, when I finally broke up with him, being alone was scary, but I got through that. I even started to like it. I found out I was pretty good at being alone. I found out that I was stronger than I ever thought I could be. And I just want you to know... that I like you, and I love being with you... but you're not perfect. And I... am no more lucky to be with you than you are to be with me. And... I need for you to tell me that you aren't with me just because you're afraid of being alone, just because you want to be with someone.
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