Thursday, 9 October 2014

DETROIT by Lisa D’Amour

Scene IV


Kenny you are not going to believe this. I am fucking losing it - do you see me? I am losing it!
It was the pink jogging suit lady. At our door! Only she wasn't wearing a pink jogging suit, she
was wearing shorts and a blue T-shirt. And she came over to ask us politely - sort of - politely if
we could keep our dog from shitting on her lawn. WE DON'T HAVE A DOG. Exactly. And so I
said to her, politely, I said, ''We don't have a dog" and she said, "Yes you do have a dog and it
is quite fond of taking craps on my lawn." "Quite fond." Like slicing a razor blade across my
face - "quite fond." And I said, "Lady, do you want to come in my house? We've got NOTHING
in our house, especially a DOG. Especially we do not have a DOG." And she said, "Listen,
missy." FUCKING MISSY! "Listen, missy. I've lived in this neighborhood for six years, and I
jog every morning. This dog appeared out of nowhere and started crapping on my lawn. I'm
not asking you to get rid of it, I'm just asking you to clean up his crap." And I practically started
crying - look at me I'm crying now-and I said, "Ma'am, people have accused me of many things
before, but they have never accused me of having a dog. You need to investigate further, you
need to knock on other doors-" And she said - her voice changed and she said, "Look, if it
craps on my lawn one more time, I am calling the police" and I said, "Are you. kidding? The
police are going to fucking LAUGH IN YOUR FACE if you call them about some dogshit." And
she said, "AHA! So you DO have a DOG!" And I said, "No, no, no, no, no fucking NO there is
no dog here, lady!" And she just shook her head and kind of kicked our plant and said, "Ha, I
thought it was fake." And turned around. I mean FUCK, Kenny, FUCK. This is like FUCKED
UP. (SHARON sees BEN) What the fuck happened?

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